R.I.P Michael Black

11168394_1007047285993539_4434839391121674382_nThis weekend 6/27/15 I lost my cousin Michael Black to a drunk driver. He was walking home at 1:15am and was hit and killed instantly (or at least he passed before responders got there.)

They caught the guy who hit him, so at least justice will be swift, but that doesnt help the fact that he was taken from us.

Article http://www.star-telegram.com/news/local/community/fort-worth/article25655497.html

Please send your thoughts and prayers to my cousin Tosha Black and his family.

Ive been thinking…

Lately I’ve been really having a lot of depression and anxiety and just feeling like something horrible is going to happen. I have also been thinking of  my own mortality. I feel scared and lost. I feel like the hourglass is almost done. I feel the Sword of Damocles parting my hair, and like the compass I’ve been following is now broken.
Im not quite sure what is going on in my universe to make me feel this way but I dont like it and it can stop at ANY time now. One of my main concerns is that Im afraid of what would happen if I were to lose the little benefits that I do get. I am barely scraping by now, what the hell would I do if I lose it all? How would I get my medication? How would I live?

With my mental health issues and with my unstable general health I just dont know what I would do. I have also been feeling like I should have a child, like my biological clock is ringing off the hook. I get mad at myself for even thinking about wanting to have a kid, because I cant even afford to keep myself going let alone having to worry about bringing another life into the fold and having to be there 24/7. If I dont want to eat a meal I dont have to. However, having another person that depends on you, YOU HAVE TO put them ahead. I remember what it was like for me growing up poor. Wanting to do things and never having the money to do so. My dad was a hard working man, but I lived with my mom (by choice however.) I just remember the air of desperation and despair in the house all the time. I dont want my child to want, and currently I feel that is all that it would do if I were able to have one.

I think I need to get back into counseling to get these things resolved.