I don’t know what it is. it seems like the last few weeks I have really tried to become independent but it also feels like I have become even more dependent. You see for the last couple of weeks I have tried being completely on my own, and not rely on anyone for help. I have kinda accomplished this but at the same time no.
This month has been a month of learning and growing. I have learned that I DO need people in my life, but I have also learned that if I push myself I can do things on my own as well. I have always been a dependent person in one way or another. I have never really had to do things for myself and live with the consequences of my actions, because there has always been someone there to fix whatever I messed up. At first I thought that my pulling away from everyone was just me sinking into depression and just cutting myself off. But as the days went by and I started having to fend for myself and figure my own shit out, I realized that it was me actually DOING for myself for the first time EVER.
Sure I’ve had roommates and things like that in the past, but that was just another form of someone taking care of me or watching over me. July has been a very eye opening month and I must say its been good. I still want people in my life doing things for me, and I still do to a certain degree. I have noticed though that where before if I didn’t have them I would spiral into a vortex of depression and woe, but now its like ok so this person cant/wont help me right now, fine I will do it on my own. It really is a new experience.
Being a Pisces I have that need to be connected and coddled, and being on the cusp of Aries I have that fiery rage that sometimes keeps people at bay or even chases them away. It is something that I have learned to deal with my whole life. The need to be smothered and the wanting to be alone. It’s a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. But for the most part its more positive than negative as of late.
The one thing that I noticed however, is that as I am going through this self metamorphosis is that I am seeking out new experiences. I am taking small steps to realizing some of my goals. I wanted to open up a small home business doing spiritual advising, and I had my first client come over the other day and it was nice. I want to continue that trend. I love the feeling I got from having them come over and being able to be relaxed as well as hospitable and enjoying myself.
I honestly don’t know what the point of this post is other than the fact that I havent updated in a while and have a bunch on my mind. But there it is.